I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
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