well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
