Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
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