My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
