If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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