I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
