its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
my poor anus
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
