he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
Randomize
