Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Randomize
