anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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