If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
