can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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