you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Randomize
