Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
Randomize
