You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Randomize
