My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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