I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize