Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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