all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
it doesn't count as moral degradation if you win the strip off -right?
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I want to fling myself into the sun
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
