my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize