His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize
