I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
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