you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
