you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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