There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Randomize
