Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
