my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
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