i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
