God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
