I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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