i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
Randomize
