He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Randomize
