I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Randomize
