dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Randomize
