i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
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