Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
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