dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize