What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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