Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
