He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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