i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
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