How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
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