When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
