my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
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