My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize