does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
even my farts smell like vagina
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I did not marry a roomba.
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