There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
