I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
Randomize