My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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