If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
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