Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
