I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
