non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
