What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
