I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
