your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
