what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
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